Sorry it's been so long. I'm making it a habit, aren't I? Again, sorry. I hope you've been doing well up there.
I need to talk to you. I need to talk to someone and yet every time I try I shake my head and convince myself that the need isn't there at all. But here it goes: I'm lonely.
Don't get me wrong, I do have friends here. I have my roommates and other people I know I can count on and who are willing to listen. But I don't want them to see me this way. I don't want them to see how sick and vulnerable I have been feeling for the past month and a half. And then there is my family to who I can usually tell everything. But with the way things have been going with them, the way they've been treating each other and how it makes me feel... I can't.
Sorry to say this, but it seems you're my last resort. Even though you were also kind of my first. We're complicated aren't we?
This summer, I've been feeling like crap. And don't get me wrong, I have tried to make the best out of it. I'll admit, I haven't been hanging out with friends that much, and I mean actually going out, but I've been doing my best to at least get to see them when I can. But yeah, I've been feeling so lousy and stressed and now I'm hurting even more because of all the damn confusion.
When the summer had first started, everything was fine. He had left for D.C. and yes, I was sad. But at the same time, I was looking forward to getting classes out of the way, finding a job, projects with friends, and the possibility of visiting him. I was especially looking forward to turning 21 and him eventually coming home.
But things started looking less bright as time passed. There were some very good things, I'll admit to that; there was the new Script Coord position and the lovely birthday dinner. But overall, things were dim.
I never got hired and after a while, I gave up because I knew if I eventually got one, a visit would be impossible. So I started selling my things but I've barely made a dent. Plus, my mom is too damn passive to tell me that she doesn't want me to go. It hurts to hear how she doesn't see why I'd want to.
My family continues to be the emotional mess it is. Sabrina and my brother give my mom a hard time who is just as hard to live with. The whole thing really got to me on my birthday, when she got angry that they were still in LA with me. She had ask to speak to them and after I handed them the phone they eventually hung up on her. This made her more angry and she told me to tell them that she'd take away their things. I didn't, of course, and my siblings stayed even longer. If she was mad already, might as well I guess. But that isn't the only reason it's a mess - it's my fault, too. I've grown a tad comfortable with calling my mom out when she has done something wrong, telling her as casually as I could that something was her fault (if it really was). At one point she said she wanted to slap me on the face. I'll never understand why parents think they'll be right if they hurt the kid. I just think she's mad because the one person that's supposed to always have her back is now catching her recurring mistakes.
School has been taking a toll on me. Sure, that was expected but my goodness... I haven't had a decent sleep in almost two weeks and I'm tired. It's most likely the reason all of this is coming out now; I'm tired but my body won't let me sleep even when I have the time and now I've gone crazy.
Then, to add to the exhaustion, I realized he was going to stay there. I mean, he's going to come back but he's leaving again to live there. Please understand that yesterday, when he told me that he was offered and had taken a job, I was genuinely happy. All the hard effort has come to something good. But a little into the conversation, I realized that it also meant being away from him, and even just not being able to talk to him everyday... what's happening now is going to be a regular thing. I hate myself for being disappointed, I want to feel only happy for him and to be optimistic. He deserves it.
But the feeling won't go away. I can't help but think about how we don't talk everyday and that when we do, I can't really say anything that will make him feel better when he has a problem or anything about how sad I really am about school and family. I can't help but think about how the daydreams I've had about this coming school year won't be a reality because so many of them included visiting each other homes to spend time together. I can't help but think that this feeling I have now is going to stay.
I needed to talk to someone. I needed to vent. I'm tired of just crying in my room all alone. So thank you.
I do miss you. Love,