for_that_summer (for_that_summer) wrote,

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it doesn't come naturally anymore

Dear Friend,
     I feel like a failure.Nothing comes to me anymore and I depend on everyone else. I'm so tired. I'm tired of leaning on people. I'm tired of looking pathetic right in front of them. In front of him most of all. What's happened to me?

     I can't do anything by myself anymore. And it feels like I'm losing everything that was me. I love my friends here, don't get me wrong. I know I can count on them. But there should be a line. There should be a line between help and dependence. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep asking questions. I can't keep staring blankly at my screen hoping for someone else to get the answer. I can't keep waiting for luck that will keep me from failing in the end.

     Would you have been doing the same? I doubt it. But I know you'd be graceful about this.

     There are times I want to go home and have everything go back to the way it used to be. Especially home. She's sick and it's not real to me when I'm over here. She wants me to study and that's what I can do to support her. But I can't do just that, can I? She bought a wig. She's doing chemotherapy. I'm here, making out with my boyfriend who probably worries more and prays more for her than I do. I feel useless. Absolutely useless. Everybody around me is doing something good and I have done absolutely nothing.

     I know. I should try harder to fix myself. But I'm so discouraged and even though I see what's wrong with me, I'm too scared to move, afraid I'll make a mistake and make things worse.

     I love you, Islas. It's been a while. I wish you never had to see me like this.

     It was four years, five months, and five days. I'm sorry for everything.



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