I keep forgetting what day it is. I keep forgetting there's something to celebrate. This holiday used to be my favorite day out of the year. Now I just can't wait for it to end.
Every year on this day I would wake up, eat a little, clean a little, get bored a little, and go out and have a fun time with the people I love. A laugh or smile never had to be forced. After all the preparations, everything would be so effortless. It would be a great night to remember. But today, I want it to go away so badly.
It's not fair. There's none of it. I don't feel any of it. It's not fair.
It doesn't feel right to have wake up early in the morning to take her to the hospital for an operation. It doesn't feel right to have to see her in a hospital gown in a fucking gurney with all of those fucking wires. It doesn't feel right to have everyone sit around her while she's sleeping as if the worst has already happened. I couldn't look at her. I mean, I would glance in her direction but to actually look and take it all in, it's unbearable. And those women asking if I'm okay, what the hell? As much as I love them, what do they expect me to say? What would they do if I said no? They don't really want me to say no.
Acting calm as if everything's fine is second nature to me. No one really wants to hear the truth when it comes to things like this. "Everything's fine. We'll be fine."
But then there are the moments when no one's around and one little thing, like a text message saying "i hope you have a very merry christmas eve", that can break the facade.