for_that_summer (for_that_summer) wrote,

don't wanna sit around anymore

Dear friend,
     It's been four years and one month. I'm speaking to my brother over video chat right now but I want to get this out before time runs out.

     It's Friday and I had four classes today, an hour between each one, and staying away from my bed from 10 in the morning to six at night. I have had a long day, but I liked it. Having a friend with you is a nice way to pass time.

     I promised myself that after moving in here and starting school, I would leave this part of my life behind. I would leave the miserable thoughts of the friend, brother, I would not get to see again until I go to heaven myself. I would leave the images of all the cuts and scars that still burn through my mind and that most of the time wish would appear again. I would leave the girl who wishes her dad would love like he used to. I wanted to leave it behind - not forget - and completely move on and have a real start.

     That's what this college thing is for. Moving to Los Angeles and growing up. I know part of what makes me me is my past but sometimes it's so painful to think about and try to cover up with a smile. I've learned though. But you know what? I still miss you. I miss seeing you in class, I miss going on your myspace everyday to look at your picture, and part of me kind of misses recording every month that passed even though I knew it would hurt me more. I miss you. And now I'm missing everyone else, too.

     A friend asked me why, after ignoring him for a while because of things I hate in a person, did I start talking to him again. What happened is that last night, as I was taking a shower, I was thinking about you and how I can't remember the last thing I said to you or about you. And when I thought about him, if anything happened to him, I don't think I could have lived with myself. I wouldn't have been able to go through what I did again.

     I love you. You're my nocturnal buddy. No one will ever have that title.

                     Missing you like always,
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