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only human [02 Aug 2012|08:38pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

Dear Friend,
     Sorry it's been so long. I'm making it a habit, aren't I? Again, sorry. I hope you've been doing well up there. 
          I need to talk to you. I need to talk to someone and yet every time I try I shake my head and convince myself that the need isn't there at all. But here it goes: I'm lonely.
     Don't get me wrong, I do have friends here. I have my roommates and other people I know I can count on and who are willing to listen. But I don't want them to see me this way. I don't want them to see how sick and vulnerable I have been feeling for the past month and a half. And then there is my family to who I can usually tell everything. But with the way things have been going with them, the way they've been treating each other and how it makes me feel... I can't.
     Sorry to say this, but it seems you're my last resort. Even though you were also kind of my first. We're complicated aren't we?
     This summer, I've been feeling like crap. And don't get me wrong, I have tried to make the best out of it. I'll admit, I haven't been hanging out with friends that much, and I mean actually going out, but I've been doing my best to at least get to see them when I can. But yeah, I've been feeling so lousy and stressed and now I'm hurting even more because of all the damn confusion.
     When the summer had first started, everything was fine. He had left for D.C. and yes, I was sad. But at the same time, I was looking forward to getting classes out of the way, finding a job, projects with friends, and the possibility of visiting him. I was especially looking forward to turning 21 and him eventually coming home.
      But things started looking less bright as time passed. There were some very good things, I'll admit to that; there was the new Script Coord position and the lovely birthday dinner. But overall, things were dim.

     I never got hired and after a while, I gave up because I knew if I eventually got one, a visit would be impossible. So I started selling my things but I've barely made a dent. Plus, my mom is too damn passive to tell me that she doesn't want me to go. It hurts to hear how she doesn't see why I'd want to.
     My family continues to be the emotional mess it is. Sabrina and my brother give my mom a hard time who is just as hard to live with. The whole thing really got to me on my birthday, when she got angry that they were still in LA with me. She had ask to speak to them and after I handed them the phone they eventually hung up on her. This made her more angry and she told me to tell them that she'd take away their things. I didn't, of course, and my siblings stayed even longer. If she was mad already, might as well I guess. But that isn't the only reason it's a mess - it's my fault, too. I've grown a tad comfortable with calling my mom out when she has done something wrong, telling her as casually as I could that something was her fault (if it really was). At one point she said she wanted to slap me on the face. I'll never understand why parents think they'll be right if they hurt the kid. I just think she's mad because the one person that's supposed to always have her back is now catching her recurring mistakes.

     School has been taking a toll on me. Sure, that was expected but my goodness... I haven't had a decent sleep in almost two weeks and I'm tired. It's most likely the reason all of this is coming out now; I'm tired but my body won't let me sleep even when I have the time and now I've gone crazy.

     Then, to add to the exhaustion, I realized he was going to stay there. I mean, he's going to come back but he's leaving again to live there. Please understand that yesterday, when he told me that he was offered and had taken a job, I was genuinely happy. All the hard effort has come to something good. But a little into the conversation, I realized that it also meant being away from him, and even just not being able to talk to him everyday... what's happening now is going to be a  regular thing. I hate myself for being disappointed, I want to feel only happy for him and to be optimistic. He deserves it.
     But the feeling won't go away. I can't help but think about how we don't talk everyday and that when we do, I can't really say anything that will make him feel better when he has a problem or anything about how sad I really am about school and family. I can't help but think about how the daydreams I've had about this coming school year won't be a reality because so many of them included visiting each other homes to spend time together. I can't help but think that this feeling I have now is going to stay.

     I needed to talk to someone. I needed to vent. I'm tired of just crying in my room all alone. So thank you.

I do miss you. Love,

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growing and loving my own way [26 Feb 2012|02:59pm]
[ mood | good ]

Dear friend,
     Sorry for the lack of updates but I'm sure from where you are, you see how I'm doing. I have a mix of things going on and I guess I finally want to talk about it with you.
     Should we start on the bad side of things? I don't know, I'm not really sure if I have the right to complain. Well, let me explain a bit about the conversation I had with my mom just a while ago. She told me that, after a while of believing that Sabrina was doing extremely well in school, she finds out that my sister is actually failing. Not that serious of an issue but what got me was her voice. 

She was on the verge of crying. She was hurt.

     She was hurt that she was being lied to and afraid of where all of this - Sabrina, her grades, her attitude - was leading to. The conversation, of course, made its way to my brother and me. She brought up how her friends are proud of their kids and their diplomas and how she couldn't be yet. My brother is going to be in his mid to late twenties this year and she has no diploma to post up on her wall... until I graduate. I told her that I promise to do my best and get it for her, knowing it will give her a little peace of mind. But at the same time I can't help but feel like I'm tired of promising. Let's face it, for my mom - even my dad - I'm branded as some kind of golden child. I'm the one that's going to a university, pursuing a degree in engineering, and bringing home that piece of paper that tells her I did it and can make bank. I mean, they know I'm not perfect, especially personality wise, but she's depending on me as the one that will make her feel the same way her friends feel about their kids.

And depending on me like I'm her best friend.

     I have no problem saying I'm friends with her. I love her. I feel like I could tell her just about anything (the exception being particular romantic moments). And I'm also glad to know that she could talk to me about anything, too. I'm happy that she tells me everything, bad and good. But I kind of wish that my siblings could do the same. It's not all them, I know that my mom isn't the easiest person to get along with. But if they, especially Sabrina, could just see that she is not the enemy, things could be better. Because they do, however, I have to hear mom cry over the phone and wait until the weekend I go home to actually help.
     Many times, though, I wish I wouldn't have to go home because when I'm there, it's like I have to grow up faster than I'd like. I have to understand what my mom is going through, I have to be sensitive towards Sabrina, I have to talk carefully around my brother. Here in LA, I can be young, impulsive, and, on some rare occasions, stupid. I used to like thinking I'm more adult than most but I've come to find comfort in simply being a kid in college. It's better than being a kid in what is still a broken home.

Okay, I'm done with the "bleh" part. Let's move on.

     I had been seeing him for nearly four months and though that is not quite long, I told him. After beating myself up for how I felt, I covered his mouth, said those three words, and made him promise that he wouldn't say them back after I removed my hand from his lips. I did, however, hear an "awww".
     It wasn't ideal, I know. But I'm glad it's out there. I don't plan on saying it again. I'm not expecting him to say it soon, though I do imagine what it would be like to hear it from him. I just knew how I felt and I wanted him to know.
     He makes me happy. And I'm not doing the whole "bad times shouldn't shadow the good" sort of deal but actually happy. Being with him, there's no reason to cry. He doesn't need me to change - though we both agreed I should get healthier, you know, eat and exercise, etc - and I don't need him to, either. And I care deeply. How much I care is as much as I do for my closest family and friends who I do love though I never say it. 

     Ooph, I don't want to talk about it too much. It would be tragic if it ended up not working out and I had some essay about it that would only take me down memory lane. I'll leave you here.

Missing you like always,


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[08 Oct 2011|11:28am]
[ mood | broken ]

Dear Friend,
    I had a dream last night. It broke my heart.

    I was back in my other house, the one I grew up in, and taking place was a party with all my family friends, maybe even some friends from school. It was nice. But I was a tad confused - or maybe worried is the right word - that my dad was there, too. He was socializing, helping out, etc. He had that smile on his face the whole time.
 Well, it would slightly go away when he and my mom would "silently" argue. Nobody else could hear them bicker but me.

      And I couldn't take it anymore. So I stormed into the master bedroom and somehow we three were all in there.

     They kept asking me what was wrong and for the first time I actually told them. I first told my mom that I couldn't live like this with her anymore. Of course, she started crying, asking, "Why? Because I love you?" It only made the dream more vivid. I told her no, though. It was because of all the judgement and disapproval I feel from her when I talk to my father. You could hear it in her tone all the time,,, And then I told him what I felt. I had started crying myself when I confronted him.

     "You left,, you left, you left, you left!" I screamed. I was on my knees, punching the top of the bed, There was more I said but this was the only part I remember perfectly.

     I woke up afterwards. But not before I could see that expression on his face. The one in which his worry lines showed - it was the one he puts on when he feels there's nothing he could do.

     Maybe what triggered this dream was what my mom asked me last night. She and my siblings came up to visit and spend the night, a last minute plan. And what were some of the first things she asked me?

     "Did you talk to your dad?"

     "Did he give you money? I don't see it."

     "When did you talk to him?"

     Don't get me wrong, he asks about her sometimes, too. He also asks about the siblings which is only natural, of course. But still... I wish he made a better effort to make things right. Not simply pretend everything is fine. Like I do.

     I wish he'd say sorry.


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[18 Jul 2011|06:14pm]
[ mood | calm ]

I figured I should start writing down scenes from my head like I used to. It must help with my writer's block. But this one is a pretty short one. There were no real details on the background or the character's actions and outfits, etc.


 ... And their light, casual conversation came to a pause. The smiles they had lingered on their faces though they were losing their meaning. The two both knew that. They simply kept them on for the moment, hoping to stall from saying what was really on their minds.

It didn't last.

     She laughed out loud a little, her face slightly lit up and looking towards the sky. "I was kind of in love with you," she said. There was no hint of embarrassment or regret in her tone or voice. It was as if she was recalling a fond memory. "I was pretty obvious," she smiled, "I'm sure you knew or at least had some kind of inkling."
     He chuckled, "I thought there was something. But..." and he turned his gaze towards her, curious about what she was thinking or what she'd say. "... you never said anything."
     After taking a deep breath, she returned his gaze, keeping that content, soft smile on her face. "Neither did you."

That's all. I'm picturing this could be some kind of scene that people will be blogging on tumblr.
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here i am again [24 Jun 2011|12:31am]
[ mood | okay ]

 Dear Friend,
     It's been a while. Gosh, I was looking back at my last few posts. It breaks my heart a little, I wish I didn't write about my first love, even if he was mentioned in only a few sentences.
     But that's really nothing. The truth is, I've grown because of it. The new focus on myself - whether I wanted it or not - has given me so many amazing things. Actually, there was a quote from a bible study I went to, it was something about how He will make you meet people you thought you would never meet and more. He would make you a person you thought you'd never become.

     That's kind of how I feel.

     The past year... I cannot begin to explain the wonderful things I've encountered. I have so many friends, people who I use to recognize and think I'd never really meet. I performed on stage, acting and singing in front of so many people (who I moved, by the way). I've become part of something. I actually feel like I belong.
     Now I'm here, in my apartment, alone in the living room. I'm taking summer school and as you can tell, not doing work. I have no class today, I'm telling myself I'll take advantage of my time later. But yes, I just thought I'd drop by and say hi.

     Even though I don't say it or maybe even realize it, I do miss you. Remember, I've kind of made you my guardian angel. I can't help but think your with me in one way or another.
     I wish I had more to say. Or at least, have the inspiration or knew the way to say the things I wish I could say.
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back track [02 Sep 2010|11:18am]
[ mood | pleased ]

It's been five years.

The funny thing is that wasn't the first thing on my mind. What happened was that I backtracked to a particular problem and then remembering why I was mad and now I have this weird closure -- maybe not closure but a realization that tells me, "See? It wasn't all you." I have a question now. Did you put that flashback in my head?

You're still a funny guy.

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a wake up call [30 Aug 2010|03:59pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

Dear Friend,
     It's been a while, I know. And I have some regrets but I'm guessing you knew that.
     I'm not going to use this post to write about him and blame myself incessantly and annoyingly. I've already done that. I'm tired. But I want to write something to keep on record as a reminder and possibly as some kind of advice for anyone in the future who finds him or herself in the same situation.

     Before I started going to UCLA, I was considered a great person. I'm not trying to be cocky, I'm just stating what my friends said, what they say they're parents have said, what my mom said her friends said. Parents and friends adored me and what was the main thing - the thing they'd point out - that they were amazed about and made me such a great person? My academics. My working skills. My diligence, my promptness, my self-sufficience. I had straight A's and in my head, I loved it all. Sure, I loved other stuff but that's what made me. I lived off my so-called intelligence.
     And that's how I got into UCLA. Of course, I had some club activities and volunteer hours but I made sure to have those so I could get in.
     I'm getting to my point, I promise.
     When I got into UCLA, that's when I felt like I was really falling. Don't get me wrong, I had him. But read what I have to say. I wasn't an athlete, I wasn't a dancer or performer, I wasn't a social lite or big on clubs, and I did not have religion on my side. Academics were what made me a great person, what I felt like I could live off of and nothing would be wrong, and suddenly I was struggling to get at least a C.
     And I didn't do anything about it but complain. I cried to my mom nearly everyday and when I found someone to share my thoughts with, I complained to him, too. I didn't do anything to pick myself up and ended up hurting myself and a person I truly cared about.
     Academics were what made me. Without it I wasn't great. By not doing anything else, I became worse.

     As much as I loved my first year, it was also my downfall. And it was no one's fault but mine. That's why this upcoming year, I'm doing something. I won't only have my studies. I'll have a job, I'll have culture night practices, I'll have more and more friends. I'll also have God by my side, trusting him completely. I need to pick myself up again.
     I'm not going to lie, I wish I figured this out sooner. I wish I knew why I was acting the way I did and how to fix everything. But it came too late. Or maybe that wake up call - you know which call I mean - is what needed to happen in order to come to this realization.
     Year 2010-2011, bring it.


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tuesday morning [20 Jul 2010|09:21am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

It's been a while since I've done this.

001. Stop. Just stop. I know I make mistakes and the guilt can eat me alive but you want to know when it stops? When you intentionally try to guilt me yourself. I get so disappointed in myself, so disappointed that I get too scared to say sorry, but it all goes away once I hear those sour words come out of your mouth about how we can't do anything without you, how this is the thanks you get for being the one that stayed, how frustrated you are, how we should know better and be better. I get it. I suck at the moment. But stop with the guilt trip. I promised I'd do something and unfortunately, I didn't come through with it. It was my fucking fault and you know why it was so don't blame it on any part of my personal life. And you know what? I hope you don't die, but if it is so bad living with us, so frustrating and unbearable and bad for your fucking health that you think we don't care about at fucking all then leave. We'll cope with it eventually; we've been through it once, we'll do it again.
002. You are so important to me. I never want to lose you. And you always say you want what is best for me and help mold me into a better person like you are doing for yourself. But ever since that talk a few nights ago, we can both tell there's something wrong with how things work. I'm scared of disappointing you even though you'll never admit it. I'm scared of what to say, I'm scared of whatever I do. And I'm scared to rant to you because it's either too much for you or you'll just tell me I shouldn't be feeling that way and no matter what, I'll feel like crap afterwards. Every time I do something wrong, something I know is wrong, the thought of telling you saddens me. You're a better person than me, you'll never admit that but I know it. We both know it. And I know that the feeling of not deserving to be in someone's presence can not only be simply insecurity but also some kind of admiration towards that person but at the same time, feeling it all the time, hurts so much.
003. I love you but I can't defend you. You must know how dependant you are and I personally think that's why you are so angry. You can't do anything on your own. You act like you can and your piercing words make it sound like you can but it's all a lie. So fix it. We're all moving forward in some way or another and you do nothing. I know deep down inside you want to. But you have to stop with the attitude, respect and be grateful for what has been given to you, and then start to stand on your own two feet.
004. I think the reason I'm not annoyed with you or what you are now is because I knew you before all of it. I would confide you, keep your secrets, be there when you needed someone. I would try to make you feel better about yourself when you feel like crap and didn't know what to do. Honestly? You were like a baby that I liked to take care of -- sorry. But if I didn't, well, I'm not one to simply not like a person when I first meet them, you wouldn't been in my contacts at least. I couldn't imagine myself talking to you on the phone and going to your house to chill. Over time, as you changed, I accepted those changes but now, after hearing from others (and I know, I shouldn't base it on others' stories but maybe if you answered your phone also it wouldn't be that way) what kind of things you've been doing, I sure miss the old you.
005. I haven't really gotten over you yet, have I? Actually, I already knew that. But I just started a life without your complicated involvement and I want to continue that way. We'll have a relationship again someday. Someday, when I'm not so screwed up and neither are you.

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practice for the summer [30 May 2010|01:36pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Dear Friend,
     Hi. I've missed you. I know I haven't been updating you on what life has been like for a long while. I'm sorry that every time I do, it's sad.

     Well, would you like to know what I should be doing right now? I'm writing a 6-8 page paper for my mythology class. Yupp, and I chose the prompt that has to do with withdrawal and reintegration. At first, I chose it because I figured I could write about two different myths that I know really well. But then I realized that I could actually relate to it.
     Don't worry, I won't go all rant-y on you.
      What I wanted to say is how I can relate to the theme in different ways. There's the withdrawal and at first I would think about my dad. But what's funny is that I have withdrawed from home, too. For college. And I'm always gone for pretty long periods of time.And then there's reintegration. My dad will always have a problem with that. But I don't. Sure, I need to catch up on some stuff but I have great friends and family that are willing to help me out. I feel loved.
     See? This isn't really sad, is it?
     Oh! Guess what? My mom has been recovering so quickly! After the third chemo treatment, the doctor smiled widely, that's what my mom told me. Unfortunately, she has to go to work again soon but I think she'll make it work. She has God by her side and He's all she needs.
     Hmm... so summer's coming up. I don't think I'm signing for classes. But you know what I will be applying for? Jobs! I'm thinking hotels. I would like to get a job as a server in a restaurant or maybe even management. I don't really want to be a housekeeper...
     Yes, summer should be good. Except for one thing. I'm really going to miss Matt. I've seen him everyday for the past year and I'm sure that's what made this relationship stronger than ever. I love him. That's why it's going to be hard to just see him on my computer screen for three months.
     Sure, he says he'll come down every once and a while, he'll especially come for my birthday. But I don't know. I mean, would a parent really let there kid drive down two hours to see his or her significant other? I'm just trying to think realistically.
     Hey. This blog still isn't that bad.

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like a bad reality show [11 Apr 2010|12:46pm]
[ mood | busy ]

Dear Friend,
     How are you? I'm doing pretty well and I'm much happier. My mom is recovering (after only three chemo treatments!). I have dear siblings and friends who support me. And I have a boyfriend who supports me and loves me and that I can count on. A friend but to a whole other level.

And it feels right.

     But are there really others who don't see that?

     There are people who don't believe I'm saved.
     There are people who don't think what I believe in is right.
     There are people who think I'm spiritually imperfect.

     I know that what I believe in and my reasons for believing them are confusing and contradicting. But I understand them. I can't explain them but I understand them. And I'm confident in my relationship with Christ. Yes, I can do more to be a better Christian, but I'm not going to waiver in what I believe, and if I do someday, it will be because I found something out for myself and not because someone is telling me that what I feel is wrong.
     No, religion was not the first thing on my mind when I got into a relationship with him and it wasn't the first thing on his either. But I love him and he loves me. He's helping me grow spiritually and I want to be there every step of the way for him as he does. He's come to respect what I believe in even though he doesn't know and understand everything. Like what holy water is for.

     What is it for anyways?

     And I completely respect what he believes in. We're Christians with different practices. There is no right way or wrong way. Neither one has less faith than the other. The problem is in the future, where one of us bends down on one knee and even in the present we think we'll be okay. Because this feels right.

So I don't want to hear, "I think you should break up with her."

     Because I'm not letting go of him until I hear it from his own mouth and believe that he has fallen out of love with me.

     Thank you for always listening to me. I really needed to tell someone.


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it doesn't come naturally anymore [07 Feb 2010|08:24pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

Dear Friend,
     I feel like a failure.Nothing comes to me anymore and I depend on everyone else. I'm so tired. I'm tired of leaning on people. I'm tired of looking pathetic right in front of them. In front of him most of all. What's happened to me?

     I can't do anything by myself anymore. And it feels like I'm losing everything that was me. I love my friends here, don't get me wrong. I know I can count on them. But there should be a line. There should be a line between help and dependence. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep asking questions. I can't keep staring blankly at my screen hoping for someone else to get the answer. I can't keep waiting for luck that will keep me from failing in the end.

     Would you have been doing the same? I doubt it. But I know you'd be graceful about this.

     There are times I want to go home and have everything go back to the way it used to be. Especially home. She's sick and it's not real to me when I'm over here. She wants me to study and that's what I can do to support her. But I can't do just that, can I? She bought a wig. She's doing chemotherapy. I'm here, making out with my boyfriend who probably worries more and prays more for her than I do. I feel useless. Absolutely useless. Everybody around me is doing something good and I have done absolutely nothing.

     I know. I should try harder to fix myself. But I'm so discouraged and even though I see what's wrong with me, I'm too scared to move, afraid I'll make a mistake and make things worse.

     I love you, Islas. It's been a while. I wish you never had to see me like this.

     It was four years, five months, and five days. I'm sorry for everything.



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it doesn't feel much like Christmas [24 Dec 2009|10:20pm]

Dear Friend,
     I keep forgetting what day it is. I keep forgetting there's something to celebrate. This holiday used to be my favorite day out of the year. Now I just can't wait for it to end.

     Every year on this day I would wake up, eat a little, clean a little, get bored a little, and go out and have a fun time with the people I love. A laugh or smile never had to be forced. After all the preparations, everything would be so effortless. It would be a great night to remember. But today, I want it to go away so badly.
     It's not fair. There's none of it. I don't feel any of it. It's not fair.
     It doesn't feel right to have wake up early in the morning to take her to the hospital for an operation. It doesn't feel right to have to see her in a hospital gown in a fucking gurney with all of those fucking wires. It doesn't feel right to have everyone sit around her while she's sleeping as if the worst has already happened. I couldn't look at her. I mean, I would glance in her direction but to actually look and take it all in, it's unbearable. And those women asking if I'm okay, what the hell? As much as I love them, what do they expect me to say? What would they do if I said no? They don't really want me to say no.
     Acting calm as if everything's fine is second nature to me. No one really wants to hear the truth when it comes to things like this. "Everything's fine. We'll be fine."
     But then there are the moments when no one's around and one little thing, like a text message saying "i hope you have a very merry christmas eve", that can break the facade.

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has anyone ever told you [10 Dec 2009|02:59am]
[ mood | discontent ]

Dear Friend,
This whole quarter has been a mess. I want to cry every morning and night because this doesn't feel right. I'm failing in everything I do. I never expected to be the best. I never expected to do incredibly well. I just didn't think I'd be so miserable in class. I just took my finals and I feel like I'm done. My suicidal jokes aren't getting so funny anymore. Math is killing me slowly. Chem is a total mystery. Computer Science has been stabbing me incessantly. I hate it all. I'm not made for this college thing.
At least I will be back home. But something isn't right. Something in every area is wrong. People are getting hurt. Friends breaking ties with friends, kids fighting with parents, loved ones getting sick. Sudden breakups, my family going at it again, and now my mom might have lung cancer? Somehow things are upside down and I don't think there is a lot I can do to help. To make it all stop. I want to be there. I need to be there.

And yet, even though all these fucked up things are happening, I'm sitting here in front of someone who makes it okay in the end.

I'm confused and distracted, I know. But something about it feels right. He's my dorky best friend. And I'm completely infatuated.



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don't wanna sit around anymore [02 Oct 2009|10:40pm]
Dear friend,
     It's been four years and one month. I'm speaking to my brother over video chat right now but I want to get this out before time runs out.

     It's Friday and I had four classes today, an hour between each one, and staying away from my bed from 10 in the morning to six at night. I have had a long day, but I liked it. Having a friend with you is a nice way to pass time.

     I promised myself that after moving in here and starting school, I would leave this part of my life behind. I would leave the miserable thoughts of the friend, brother, I would not get to see again until I go to heaven myself. I would leave the images of all the cuts and scars that still burn through my mind and that most of the time wish would appear again. I would leave the girl who wishes her dad would love like he used to. I wanted to leave it behind - not forget - and completely move on and have a real start.

     That's what this college thing is for. Moving to Los Angeles and growing up. I know part of what makes me me is my past but sometimes it's so painful to think about and try to cover up with a smile. I've learned though. But you know what? I still miss you. I miss seeing you in class, I miss going on your myspace everyday to look at your picture, and part of me kind of misses recording every month that passed even though I knew it would hurt me more. I miss you. And now I'm missing everyone else, too.

     A friend asked me why, after ignoring him for a while because of things I hate in a person, did I start talking to him again. What happened is that last night, as I was taking a shower, I was thinking about you and how I can't remember the last thing I said to you or about you. And when I thought about him, if anything happened to him, I don't think I could have lived with myself. I wouldn't have been able to go through what I did again.

     I love you. You're my nocturnal buddy. No one will ever have that title.

                     Missing you like always,
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i remember you [02 Sep 2009|10:15pm]
It's been four years.

     Genevieve, Gaby, and I came to visit you today. We had a fun picnic, didn't we? We talked about all kinds of random things and ate Subway and Sun Chips. Again, I'm sorry we didn't bring food for you but I have to point out that you didn't ask for any. Oh! And I bought you irises today! I don't usually buy flowers for boys but oh well. And I must say, you have one good looking spot.
     We even visited St. Charles today. The uniforms are looking so different and a lot of the kids have grown so big! It was funny how some kids kept staring at me, thinking that they know my face but not my name. One even exclaimed, "You look familiar! Did you go here?" She was cute. And Miss Islas... She is so in the "know." She's part of the mom network. It was fun seeing her. It was fun seeing you after four long but quick years.

     I miss you. I miss everything about you.

     I miss my nocturnal buddy, Islas. I didn't say it out loud over there because I wanted it to be a good, happy visit but I wanted to say it. There's no other person I want to talk to every night on aim while everybody else is asleep who would tell me about subwoofers and cars and things I don't really care much about. Just you. A big part of me didn't even feel like this was the day until Geni would talk about how the class was told and how she told me and how I was hurrying her up because I had to go somewhere. And when I wanted to watch your video like I do every New Year's and anniversary. The fucking CD won't play anymore.

     I wanted to see you before I move. I will probably visit on your birthday. Fifteen more days. How do you feel about that? You know, I bought you a birthday card four years ago but never had the heart to write anything in it or give it to you. Should I sign it this time?

I love you.

known you for too long [27 Aug 2009|03:40pm]

Dear Friend,
     Yesterday, he left again. All the papers are signed. And they say he should be leaving for good this time.

I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I'm just empty. Again.

     Then there was today. All the things I have found out recently suddenly started hurting me in every possible way.

They're turning real.

     They're starting to feel real.

She's younger than him.

     She's younger than her.

There's another her. Not a woman who has hurt me because she has done something wrong and unforgivable but because she may have what I thought belonged to me. My title. In his life.

     I can't even have that.


it's a memory now [02 Aug 2009|02:54pm]
[ mood | content ]

Three years and eleven months.
But let's remember something else.

     I had my debut on Friday. It was so nice. You should have been there. My rose.

     So, I woke up next to my cousin Bini - her, Bryan, Matthew came on my birthday. We took Sabrina to school and went for a walk. I wanted to make sure I was able to fit into my dresses. Afterwards, we came home and just talked at the kitchen table. I talked about Samsung; there's something about the subject of boys that's always so entertaining. Well, my brother joined and after a while the other boys came down.

      There wasn't much. I think I woke up too early in the day.
      Luckily, 11:30 came and I got my hair done. I felt weird sitting there waiting for my sister in a tiara and curls. Then driving the 4runner... Awkward... Make-up was pretty funny. Kendis's cousin came and did my make-up. She had to do my right eye three times because every time we tried a something cool and intense, my mom wanted something else. Oh, but the eyelashes! Argh, Ashley says it's an asian thing, stubborn eyelashes. They wouldn't curl which made the fake lashes - the "BAM" eyelashes - look too unnatural. I had two pairs of eyelashes on one eye. Oh well. No one really noticed during the party, if they did, they didn't say anything. So after make-up, I dressed in shorts and a hoodie and hurried to the venue. Unfortunately, I was helping my brother with his song that he missed the exit. We got there though.
     You know how I wanted to hide and not let anyone see me until my entrance? Didn't work out so well. But that's okay. Only a good few saw me. Gosh, I was so nervous. Especially about the lift in the waltz. But it kind of went away when I was disappointed that I wasn't able to strut to the song I chose -- everybody else did. Bleh. Oh, I forgot to mention that Vincent couldn't make it so I made Johnny escort both Jen and Bianca. People laughed. And the waltz was pretty fun. The lift was smoother than I thought it would be. Then I stayed at the table while everybody got food. I did not feel like getting up; I was too busy admiring the room. Lea went all out. Oh, and I was texting and talking to Samsung over the phone, even with Tameika. Everybody was having a good time.
     The montage wasn't working early in the debut so we moved onto performances. My right leg was shaking so much when I sang Replay with Sabrina. And then afterwards was the hula with Frances, Jamie and Kayla. Kayla kept complaining that she just ate and now had to how her stomach. Girl doesn't have one. Hah, then it was my father-daughter dance. Not a big deal. Then there was a dance break and I got to dress into my second dress. It felt so awkward hearing the ooohs and ahhs. Especially from all the teenagers. I tried not to look at them. So we went into the roses, all the guys dancing or trying to dance, and the candles who I made sure to talk to as they spoke. It was too boring just sitting there, waiting for a hug. And after all that, I made a speech. It was funny. But I forgot one thing -- You look good, Vic.
     My brother sang. Of course, he was his entertaining self. Everybody loved it.
     Oh, gosh. The Future Love/Touched dance. So nervous. I was early on some parts. And then I couldn't find Johnny until he tapped and I had to spin around and dance with him. Oh well.
     Then there was the montage. Bianca made it and I absolutely loved it. 
     And those were the highlights. I went back into my white dress and enjoyed to last few moments. Even when I had a nosebleed. 

      I could have gotten more money though. Haha.

You didn't really need this. You were there all along. 

            I love you.

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the break i need [18 Jul 2009|03:52pm]
[ mood | okay ]

Dear Friend,
     Sorry it has been so long since the last time I updated. It's funny though; right now, my life is worth updating about.

     I don't know why he hates me so much. Maybe hate is a strong word but it pretty much sums it up. I have heard things and at first, I wallowed in self-pity. What have I done to make him think of me like that? What can I do to make things better. Tearing up at night didn't help. And then, I went to little social gathering not too long ago and I realized that I shouldn't care so much. No matter what, I'm always going to have friends who believe in me, believe that I am a good person. I make mistakes but I have never been what he is now describing to other people. I am not at fault for anything he has been saying and if there is something true, I will own up to it. I have owned up to some things I have completely forgotten about but I don't mind doing so because I know I should. I even gained forgiveness. Part of me thinks he feels I don't deserve any.
     But I have never been the monster he has been talking about. And all my - our - friends know that.
     I don't really know how to talk to him. We can be around all our friends and it could be normal, comfortable. But I don't see the point in saying anything when we are alone. Still, I am afraid I will say or do something that he will use against me. But really, I'm just done with him.
     He could keep saying things. I won't do anything about it, really. Because I'm moving and he is making it so much easier to leave.
     One of our friends have told me, "Maybe this is the break you need."

     So I'm going to go. As soon as summer is over, I'm going to go and start over.
     I deserve to be happy.


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graduation day [11 Jun 2009|10:53am]
Dear Friend,
       I graduated yesterday. Some of my friends I graduated with, some watched me. Were you?
       I think you were. I wish I could do the same for you. You deserve it more than anyone I know.

            Continuously loving you,

leave with me [06 Jun 2009|08:13pm]
Dear Friend,
     I know this sounds awkward but, I think I'm growing depressed. Or maybe I already am.
     I don't think it's the graduation that's doing this to me.

     I'm getting so angry at everything. Every smell, every touch, every person I see, every word I hear. It's just so ridiculous and I hate that I cry at random times. What's going on with me? I could be so happy one moment and then one little thing sends me over the edge and I'm stifling every cuss word I could think of. I'm scared.

     My mom comes in with a stare and I want to call her a bitch.
     My brother says hello and I want to punch him so hard so he'd bleed.
     And I want my dad to be here so I could scream in his face.

     My sister hasn't had any weird effect on me; she knows how to leave me alone. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I don't know. Thursday, I was eating out with my family and suddenly started to cry. This morning, I hid in a corner so I wouldn't have to speak to my brother -- I haven't spoken to him in so long that my mom asked if we had a fight.

     Some thing is wrong and I'm starting to feel empty again. I remember when Johnny and I agreed that it's hard to stay happy. But I didn't know feeling sad would feel a hundred times worse after keeping a smile on for so long.

     Drowning myself in graduation, college, and debut stuff help. Reading is good, too; I don't have to think.


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